I must lose so others feel OK. I am self-conscious writing this, but I also learned I had to lose so my brothers and father would feel OK. Which meant, oddly, that I was more talented or why would I hate to defeat myself so they would feel better.
The truth is they all didn’t feel good about themselves no matter what I did or didn’t do. Their behavior was completely independent of me. Only one brother remains—and I want nothing to do with him.
If they are dead or alienated, I might as well win. Their memory isn’t going to be adversely affected. I see them in my mind’s eye as frozen like cadavers and staring straight ahead. My cousins want nothing to do with me too. So who exactly is going to feel bad if I succeed?
Am I benefiting from the recession if I teach people how to create work? Or am I finding opportunities in the world I find right in front of me? Should I feel bad about success because Harold and David and Peter all didn’t feel good about success, or felt arrogant, puffed up like adders with any outside praise. But I want a chance to do all the activities I have thought of—the projects, courses, advertising, writing that I love doing. I want to spread my wings and fly—
And the truth is, they don’t matter anymore.
What is the point of trying to please them or use their method of living? None. Do I need any pattern of living or just staying in the moment and let whatever happens, happen?
Life without any pattern at all seems scary and exhilarating, and I’m afraid I will get self-destructive without any life pattern.