Share 'ON SUICIDE' on Delicious Share 'ON SUICIDE' on Digg Share 'ON SUICIDE' on Facebook Share 'ON SUICIDE' on reddit Share 'ON SUICIDE' on Squidoo Share 'ON SUICIDE' on StumbleUpon Share 'ON SUICIDE' on Twitter

Share with your friends!

ON SUICIDE

We lack the violence of the soul,
Those of us who turn away from self-murder,

Still, in my own life, fueled by alcohol and mental illness,
There have been times I came close

To slashing my wrists or walking into the sea.
Shooting and hanging are better

But in college, a friend found her boyfriend hanging,
And never got over it.

Guns create a mess, jumping destroys everything
And I could land on someone—and kill them.

Pills seem the best but if the attempt fails.
Brain damage and a life in diapers might be the outcome.

I have the precursors of suicide: chronic pain, mental illness,
Even my occupation—poet—is potentially dangerous,

Family too—father and brother both pursued and caught death,
Or allowed a premature death to catch them.

But when I lost my business, my wife, my church and my future
Suicide never entered my head,

Wife left when I became disabled, pain-racked, unable to sleep.
Unable to work, unable to pay rent, penniless.

A friend took me in. When I got my father’s inheritance
I paid rent retroactively. Nothing was left.

Although everybody but me knew I was deeply depressed,
The thought of taking my life never entered my head.

Did I lack the temperament, a lack of impulse-control
A murderous bent? Or was I too stubborn,

Rejecting mother’s words: “Why don’t you kill yourself
And make us all happy.” Fuck you, mother.

You all laughed at me, my tears at the physical and sexual abuse.
You all called me a coward, a weakling, a faggot

But you all drank yourselves to death
Mother at 62—brother at 49, father lasted until 82,

Refusing all food and water.
I am still here and you are all dead.

Everything you thought I was,
You were, the bunch of you.

So welcome to the hell you had prepared for me to live in.
Sorry I won’t be joining you.

Monday, October 08, 2012

This entry was posted in Poetry. Bookmark the permalink.

Comments are closed.