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Betrayal– can build writer’s block

My ex- read my journals and used them to create fights at the end of our marriage. It was nonsense.  She was having an affair, emptying our bank account and stealing the business out from under me– and she thought a good defense was an aggressive offense.

It even got worse.  I am not sure if she even told me the truth all the time we were together. I found out she was also into witchcraft.

Under these conditions she read my journal.  And I found myself struggling to write the journal in the intervening years.  The betrayal ran incredibly deeply.  My journals were extremely honest with dreams, imagery and my deepest thoughts and feelings.  I used to work out the issues in my life by writing. It also helped the other writing, including the poetry and the plays.

I  didn’t keep it public.  It was around or by my person most of the time.

My entire life went haywire as she practiced witchcraft.  My mother also practiced witchcraft.  I not respect and fear it, although it cannot withstand the power of God.

I do a lot of personal growth practices and I realize that I no longer need to sabotage my efforts.  I was sabotaging because every time I have made considerable money, someone has embezzled it.  I  just started working on defending myself.  In my family of origin it wasn’t safe to defend myself.  I am using EFT and EMDR–with great results.  Let me know if you want to know more about that.

But I started writing yesterday and I felt a deep relaxation happen, lighter than prayer and meditation, but if felt good.

Still, journaling is still difficult for me.  I’m embarrassed that the betrayal has lasted so many years, with such deep impact.  But betrayal was also a theme in my family and taps into the toxic belief  “the world is cruel and unfair.”

Such a betrayal can also stop a writer or composer from sending their work out.   I will have more to say about this topic later in another blog posting.

 

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